You might be looking for serious March Madness predictions. If you are, thank you for visiting this webpage, and we’ll see you again next time.
Those of you continuing along know what you’re in for. This happens annually. Below, picking the entire 2016 NCAA Tournament bracket as if each school’s football team is playing in place of its basketball team. I did it in Paintbrush, to further emphasize the gravity of the situation.
(You might also be interested in how a football bracket would look if it were seeded based on actual football, from Alabama to Dayton.)
South winner: Iowa
This is an unspeakably bad football region.
It has the Big 12’s worst team, the SEC’s worst team, the Mountain West’s worst team, the Pac-12’s second-worst team and maybe more. I got too sad to keep going. Teams that fired their coaches in October (Maryland and Miami) find wins. Cal hasn’t fielded a defense since like 2012 and would breeze to the Elite Eight anyway. Temple’s the second-best team here.
The pretty good Iowa wins out easily, proving already that this bracket is just like 2015 football: the above-average Hawkeyes get to scoot past a bunch of sad teams and end up within a few steps of a championship.
West winner: Oklahoma
What is the largest number you’ve ever thought about?
Scientists theorize that the hottest possible temperature in our universe is 2.55×1032 degrees Fahrenheit, which looks like this in regular person numbers: 255,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000.
There’s also the Googolplex, a number given that name just so a number could have that name. Writing it out would mean writing a 1 and then writing 0s for far longer than the rest of your life. It’s basically something some scientist came up with that puts actual math on that thing you did when you were a kid, when you and your friends were like:
“I could beat you in Mario Kart 10 times in a row.”
“Well, I could beat you in Mario Kart 1,000 times in a row.”
“I could beat you in Mario Kart 100 trillion times in a row.”
“No, I could beat you in Mario Kart infinity times in a row.”
“LOL I could beat you in Mario Kart infinity times a billion in a row.”
“Whatever, I could beat you in Mario Kart infinity times infinity times in a row.”
“I could beat you in Mario Kart infinity times infinity times infinity infinity times, times infinity. In a row.”
That kind of thinking is what led us to the Googolplex. And it’s nowhere near the biggest number ever used for something.
Anyway, one of these numbers is about how many yards Baylor would put on Oregon in 60 minutes.
East winner: Michigan
Michigan gets past the depleted Notre Dame, then cruises the rest of the way. Pitt has to take back Paul Chryst.
It’s unfair to not give North Carolina-Kentucky* a basketball drawing too, I guess.
* Indiana’s a better team, but by rule, all Hoosier football games must end 66-64 and disappoint Indianans, making them imperceptibly different from Hoosier basketball games.
Midwest winner: Michigan State
Another utterly deplorable region, though it at least has two teams that spent time in the top five last season, Michigan State and Utah. Two of the ACC’s worst teams, the Big Ten’s worst team and a wealth of non-football schools, with 7-6 Texas Tech barreling into the Elite Eight.
Basketball fans, yes, Michigan State football works in exactly the same chip-on-shoulder fashion as Michigan State hoops, so the DISRESPECT power of a No. 2 seed will push the Spartans into the Final Four with ease.
National champion: Oklahoma
We already know how Michigan State-Michigan would play out, based on the authoritative, decisive, leave-no-doubt, wire-to-wire domination of the Wolverines displayed by MSU in their most recent football meeting, when the Spartans beat their rivals down for a full four quarters in totally replicable fashion. That game would’ve ended up exactly the same way if they’d played it 100 times, everyone agrees.
Oklahoma beats Iowa because Oklahoma is better than Iowa.
Our championship pits two College Football Playoff teams, and we’ll go with the one that finished rated more highly by the polls and computers and that actually managed to score points in the Playoff.
There you have it, folks. Put all your bracket money on the Sooners, based on football.
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March Madness: How the NCAA Tournament plays out