Monday night on The Bachelorette, JoJo and her men took a group date to ESPN’s SportsNation studios, redubbed into “Bachelor Nation,” and Marcellus Wiley and Max Kellerman did a power ranking of the contestants.
Hmm, interesting. They turned a property typically reserved for sports discussion into one for discussing The Bachelor? And they did a power ranking of the contestants like is often done for sports? Interesting! Fascinating idea! A FASCINATING IDEA WE’VE BEEN DOING FOR ONE ENTIRE SEASON OF THE BACHELOR, YOU SNIVELLING RIP-OFFS. Jesus. By the way, guys, we’ve never received a formal apology for all the comments and replies sent to the SB Nation Twitter and Facebook accounts by people who think they’re replying to the SportsNation accounts.
Anyway, it’s bad enough that they did a power ranking, but to add insult ton injury, it was a trash one that insulted the fine art of power ranking contestants on a reality TV show. Because it didn’t put Chad first.
About an hour and 45 minutes of Monday night’s episode was devoted to Chad, a luxury real estate broker, who sells all the most luxurious real estate in Tulsa, Oklahoma. In perhaps the most self-aware moment in Bachelor history, contestants were asked to pretend they were athletes giving a post-game press conference — you know, competitors in a game for entertainment, and not well-intentioned suitors genuinely seeking a woman’s love. Chad, fed up with everybody else’s empty platitudes decides to spit the real: He explains that he can’t yet profess his love for JoJo, since he doesn’t know her yet:
But Chad! You’re supposed to say the other team played well and compliment their effort!
This episode was about Chad’s repeated insistence that he’s better than everybody else, and everybody else’s indignant response to his indignance and standoffishness. Chad perceives himself as a) the only honest man on the show b) the only man on the show who is actually ready and/or worth of a relationship with JoJo c) the only man on the show who is a man d) the only man on the show who has ever met a beautiful woman.
Of course, Chad isn’t better than everybody else. You can’t claim to be better than everybody else while also spending an hour shoving plain cold cuts from the craft services table into your mouth.
Chad is not unique. Chad is a human we have all met one hundred times, a person who says they’re smarter than everybody else while making it clear they’re not. He’s the type of person who says “I’m playing chess while you’re playing checkers” while getting his ass kicked at Connect 4. He’s a type, and that type is sooooooooooooo incredibly entertaining to watch, if they’re not getting uppity at you.
Unfortunately for the other 20 or so guys on The Bachelorette, he’s getting uppity at them. Alex, takes it upon himself to be the most offended by Chad, serving as the arbiter of all things Bachelorette. “If Chad gets a rose,” he sputters, “it ruins everything the rose stands for. If she gives him that rose, that means it represents GARBAGE.” Buddy, it’s not the Nobel Peace Prize. It means you get to stay on a TV show for a week. Eventually, they almost come to blows:
Here are the rules Chad is breaking:
1. Don’t start a fight with a Marine. Yeah, you work out a lot. This guy was a member of what’s possibly the most elite fighting force in world history, and physically trained his body for combat. You put a lot of whey in a glass and do squats. Even if you’re stronger (which you probably aren’t) you’re going to lose.
2. Don’t start a fight while there’s a massive toothpick in your mouth. This is what we in the Not Dying business call “an easy target.” Normally getting punched in the mouth means your mouth hurts. Getting punched in the mouth while there’s a toothpick in your mouth means there’s a jagged piece of wood wedged in your freakin’ larynx.
3. DON’T START A FIGHT WITH A MARINE WHILE THERE’S A MASSIVE TOOTHPICK IN YOUR THROAT. Luckily, Alex does not literally murder him.
Chad is of the belief that being kind of a jerk to JoJo makes him “honest” and picking a fight with a Marine makes him “macho” and putting the word “luxury” in “luxury real estate broker” makes him “classy.” Not only is Chad not unique, he’s even been on this show before. He’s The Guy Who’s Not Here To Make Friends, and he ends up pissing everybody off and exploding a few weeks in. It’s a bummer, because I want him to stay on this show forever.
Elsewhere on the show, we had a firefighting competition. (“This date is hot!” says JoJo. “This date is getting hot!” says JoJo later. “This date is heating up!” says JoJo “JoJo is looking smokin’!!” says a contestant.”These puns are killing me inside!” says Rodger.)
This is hypothetically great news for one of the contestants, Grant, who is literally a fireman. That’s his job. He’s not a volunteer fireman. He’s a professional fireman. Looking forward to when I’m on The Bachelorette and they have a “write 2,000 words about a reality TV show” segment. Needless to say, Grant wins the competition. This causes angst among the other men.
Guys, chill out. Every season of The Bachelor there are a slew of random physical competitions with some arbitrary justification (this time, JoJo said she needs a man she can trust in case of an emergency, in which case, seriously, end the show now and pick the fireman or the Marine or the other veteran. Throw the guy whose job is “hipster” down a dump.) Last year, Ben made the girls play soccer! On the previous Bachelorette, there was a boxing competition! On the previous Bachelor, the girls were made to run through some sort of farming-related obstacle course. I can’t tell you who won any of these, because none of it matters!
Case in point: Wells, the radio DJ, literally has to stop competing in the event because he sits behind a soundboard while Grant saves humans’ lives.
But he gets the rose while Grant smiles and thinks about all the buildings in San Francisco burning to the ground while he beats some bartenders and account managers in fake fireman competitions.
The other date was with Derek. But the joke here is that it’s a “Choose Your Own Adventure” Date. They stand in front of two planes, one of which says NORTH and one of which says SOUTH and pick! It’s… pretty boring, but I really wanted to commend the guy whose job it is to act disappointed that they didn’t pick “SOUTH.”
You know they didn’t actually book two planes for this. This dude is probably the co-pilot or something, but he acted like he was genuinely disappointed he didn’t get to fly them to San Diego or whatever. Instead, they go to San Francisco, where they have to make a real TOUGH DECISION:
“Do you guys wanna go to the world-famous romantic bridge? Or the stupid street with the u-turns? Come on, guys! U-turns!” I really doubt they had a date set up at Lombard Street. If they picked Lombard Street the producer was just gonna go “YOU IDIOTS IT’S JUST A VERY IMPRACTICAL STREET” Of course, they choose to see the Golden Gate Bridge:
Ahhh, yes, the famed water tower and impenetrable rocky coast of the Golden Gate Bridge. Iconic. You probably remember it from “Full House!” Fun fact: No driver has ever escaped from the Golden Gate Bridge.
The REAL, ORIGINAL, AND NOT SPONSORED BY ESPN Bachelorette Power Rankings, Week 2
(Remember, these aren’t power rankings of who will win, but rather power rankings of who will actually win by getting invited onto further Bachelor-related TV shows and therefore continue living in a semi-vacation with free booze and appear on TV often enough to get enough Instagram followers that you can make side money hawking beauty products.
I think the contestants on this show have some free will. I also think the producers totally told Alex, the shortest person I’ve ever seen on The Bachelorette, to have a romantic chat with JoJo in an oversized chair.
3. James Taylor
James composed at least three original songs for JoJo this week, two of which were entirely comprised of the lyrics “JoJoJoJoJoJoJo.” Not to impose my musical expertise on somebody who shares the name of a famed singer-songwriter, but I think he needs lyrical help.
I enjoy listening to radio DJ’s talk when they’re just being normal people. They still inflect like radio DJ’s.
Jordan was asked to do a celebration dance by Marcellus Wiley, and he went with “roping cattle.” Is there a way of finding out how many times Jared Allen sacked Aaron Rodgers? Is this some serious brother hate here?
I can’t quite find the photos to convince you guys Robby is actually Evil Will Forte but trust me.
Luke went to West Point, so I’m waiting for Chad to also challenge him to a fight. (This would also be a bad idea.)
Daniel had a major turnaround in this episode. After a first episode where he got naked and poked contestants in the belly button, he was fairly demure here, just making one penis joke and saying “eh” a lot. Major improvement while the rest of the pack stayed boring.
Derek got the first 1-on-1 date of the season even though I remember nothing about him. There must be something good there! Or maybe this show arbitrarily asks the Bachelorette to pick random people she knows nothing about for 1-on-1 dates! Either or!
10. James S.
James’ gimmick of being a “Bachelor Superfan” lasted one episode. No reference was made to his superfandom in episode 2, and he was eliminated. We never found out his job or anything about him. The only thing we know about him is that he pays too much attention to The Bachelor. What a weirdo! Imagine paying undue attention to The Bachelor!
i don’t really have anything to say about Christian he seems okay
Chase makes it snow on JoJo, which really means some dude had to stand above JoJo and Chase and sprinkle fake snow on them for 7 minutes.
I don’t trust any barber with a buzz cut. If your haircut is “dragging a razor across someone’s head” I don’t trust you to use scissors on me.
Will covers the house in toilet paper to show JoJo… that he’s playful? That he’s in middle school? I don’t know. Either way, he gets eliminated and a poor Bachelor production assistant had to clean all that up the next day.
I believe Ali is the first contestant on the Bachelorette to share a name with a former Bachelorette. We’re witnessing history, folks.
In Grant’s 1-on-1 time with JoJo, he told her that he’d tell her he loves her everyday, because he might day anyday on the job. When wooing women, always go for extra-morbid.
16. James F.
James F. runs a boxing club, so Chad will probably try to punch this guy in the face too. Chad is going to get beat up this year, is my point.
Goodbye Brandon, whose listed occupation was “hipster.” He only spoke about seven words on the show, so here’s what we know about him: He dressed pretty normally, he had pretty normal hair, and he tried out for a reality TV dating show. His contestant profile says he has no tattoos and loves hipster classic films such as “The Dark Knight” and reading obscure alternative literature like Malcolm Gladwell. What a hipster! Gosh, hipsters are the worst.
i am scared of Evan
19. Nick B.
I liked Nick better when he didn’t reveal his face and only spoke as Santa Claus.